Arts + Culture

Don’t Give Me Flowers; I Am Not a Goat

Important instructions for those hoping to date a Nigerian girl.

So, you are in love with a Nigerian girl and you are looking for her mumu button so that she can fall further for you. Please my brother whatever you do, do not give her flowers. I repeat: Do. Not. Give. Her. Flowers. Just purge the overdose of Hollywood in your system that’s making you think every girl loves flowers. Shun that inner voice—it’s a trap. I will tell you why.

I once had a roommate in my college days. During her birthday, she received several gifts from people including admirers. The highest “shareholder” in her life, that’s her boyfriend, came with an expensive looking bouquet of flower with nothing attached to it beside the romantic card.

She acted all mushy when she got the gift but when the guy left, she was fuming. The flowers were useless to her and even worse, the big bouquet took up far too much space in her corner of the room. But the worst part was seeing the receipt for the flowers on the floor—it probably fell out of the guy’s pocket. They had cost a fortune. “What a waste,” she exclaimed.

A woman will appreciate multiple orgasms more than flowers. I can bet my grandma’s toothbrush on this. I mean, who flower epp? The ability to take her to the next cloud is worth more than all the flowers in the world. She is not a burial ground that you can arrange flowers around for decoration. Save those flowers for cemeteries where the dead don’t need to eat.

What do flowers symbolize? Love, you say. If that’s the case, don’t worry she sees this kind of “love” everywhere. Flowers planted in front of her lawn are a symbol of love from her landlord, the one at her workplace symbolizes love from her boss. She has seen enough love represented by flowers to last her a life time. A life time? Make it three life times, please.

The question is what difference are you bringing to the table? What will make her fall for you? A tangible symbol of love that will add value to her life; different from the kind of love other people have shown her in her house and work place and even from a restaurant table by the unknown owner. Na flower she go chop? Ugu vegetable is even better. Yes, ugu is a useful flower. My little cousin calls vegetable soup, flower soup. So, it’s safe to call it a type of flower according to this little man. At least she can use it to make a pot of soup that can give her better nutrients thereby adding value to her life. Every girl loves gifts that will add value to her life and reasonably so.

Have you heard about relationship pension? I will explain. Every broken relationship deserves some kind of pension, just like alimony. What if she’s the type of woman that gets you valuable gifts? What will happen when you guys break up? Can the flowers you’ve been gifting her cover this special relationship pension? Because once the relationship breaks up, they go straight into her trash can or if she has goats and cows and they are fresh flowers, it could be fed to them which may be useful after all. And if that’s not the case, what will serve as her own pension as you continue enjoying your own relationship pension from her own gifts. Have you even thought of that? I would have called you selfish if not that you don’t sell fish.

Last last, unless the flowers are just jara to a better gift—escorts to the main gift that is—please squash the plan of getting her flowers and plant a kiss on her forehead. Dang! I just gave you another hint better than flowers. Don’t get me wrong, a relationship is not a job. Receiving and getting gifts even though beautiful is not mandatory. But if you must give, forget flowers.

I am a Nigerian girl. Don’t give me flowers; I am not a goat.

Chidimma Nwabueze is a writer and film maker behind Inversion, a short film on Post Partum Depression in Africa.

Photo by Sabelo Mkhabela.

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