Humor

Inside Trump's Secret Whatsapp Group with African Dictators

We've been leaked text of Trump's conversations with some of Africa's longest serving leaders.

Leaders Who Win BIG - 10:45 AM


Trump (US): Gentlemen, had to mute the group. Since the huge win, my notifications have experienced a tremendous surge.

Mugabe (Zimbabwe): It is ok Donald, we are proud of you.

Jammeh (The Gambia): Yes, we are.

Biya (Cameroon): Shut up, Jammeh. You should be removed from this group.

Mugabe: Biya, relax my brother. What would you have done in Jammeh’s position? ECOWAS troops were coming for him.

Trump: What is ECOWAS?

Biya: Mugabe, I guess you are right.

Jammeh: Shut up my friend. Your elections are coming next year and you will soon join me here. Keep talking rubbish there.

Biya: That is why your useless country did not qualify for AFCON.

Trump: What is ECOWAS?

Mugabe: Donald, it seems you are making progress on your wall against Mexico, good man, but I don’t understand the way you are paying for it.

Trump: Neither do I, but it’s going to be a very beautiful wall.

Biya: Yes, but can you not just print money and pay for it?

Trump: I can do that?

Jammeh: Can you not?

Trump: What is ECOWAS? Can they pay for it?

Jammeh: Donald, what is wrong with the women in your country, just allowing them to march anyhow. This is not the way.

Biya: Jammeh, leave the women alone, Cameroon has the best women's rights in Africa.

Mugabe: Biya, that is an Alternative Fact

Jammeh: Donald, I am angry at you, my orange brother.

Biya: What did he do?

Jammeh: Biya, shut up, men are talking.

Biya: Is that an executive order? No wait, you don’t have any more executive power. Jesus is lord.

Trump: Biya, very impressive joke. Extremely strong joke.

Jammeh: Donald, why are you deporting all the Muslims from America?

Trump: Muslims are bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists and some I assume are good people.

Biya: I thought that was the Mexicanos

Trump: Gentlemen, Melania looks like she’s smiling, something must be wrong, I have to go.

Jammeh: Ok Donald, tell Melania she belongs in your kitchen and bedroom.

Biya: Be quoting Buhari there, that is why you don’t have any executive power haha.

Putin: Very good discussion gentlemens, let us meet for vodka drink.

Mugabe: V, you’ve been here the entire time?

Putin: Maybe.

Jammeh: But your name doesn’t show up on the list of the group chat.

Putin: We have best hackers in world.

Mugabe: Very cunning bastard this Putin is.

Putin: Ok, I go work out now on horse.

Snowden: The world must see this exchange.

Chinua Hemingways is a writer based in Houston, Texas. He can be reached at chineduhem@gmail.com.

News Brief
(Youtube)

Watch Davido Perform 'Assurance' & 'Jowo' On Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Nigerian superstar performed for the late night American TV show.

Davido stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to give viewers a lively performance.

Backed by a full band, the Nigerian superstar kicked things off by playing A Good Time single "Assurance," which will reportedly be featured in the Coming 2 America soundtrack. After a quick interlude and set change—a king's throne appeared onstage—Davido and his band went into a medley of "Jowo," his A Better Time single.

Davido's been busy this year as he recently shared the music video for A Better Time's "The Best" alongside Mayorkun, was featured in the remix of Focalistic's "Ke Star," and collaborated with Teni on "For You."

Watch Davido's Jimmy Kimmel live performance of "Assurance" and "Jowo (Medley) below.

Keep reading... Show less

get okayafrica in your inbox

popular.

Opinion: Nollywood & the Imminent Second Coming of Queer Cinema

An exploration of queer representation and misrepresentation in Nollywood, jaded stereotypes and what the future of queer cinema in Nollywood could look like.