Humor

Inside Trump's Secret Whatsapp Group with African Dictators

We've been leaked text of Trump's conversations with some of Africa's longest serving leaders.

Leaders Who Win BIG - 10:45 AM


Trump (US): Gentlemen, had to mute the group. Since the huge win, my notifications have experienced a tremendous surge.

Mugabe (Zimbabwe): It is ok Donald, we are proud of you.

Jammeh (The Gambia): Yes, we are.

Biya (Cameroon): Shut up, Jammeh. You should be removed from this group.

Mugabe: Biya, relax my brother. What would you have done in Jammeh’s position? ECOWAS troops were coming for him.

Trump: What is ECOWAS?

Biya: Mugabe, I guess you are right.

Jammeh: Shut up my friend. Your elections are coming next year and you will soon join me here. Keep talking rubbish there.

Biya: That is why your useless country did not qualify for AFCON.

Trump: What is ECOWAS?

Mugabe: Donald, it seems you are making progress on your wall against Mexico, good man, but I don’t understand the way you are paying for it.

Trump: Neither do I, but it’s going to be a very beautiful wall.

Biya: Yes, but can you not just print money and pay for it?

Trump: I can do that?

Jammeh: Can you not?

Trump: What is ECOWAS? Can they pay for it?

Jammeh: Donald, what is wrong with the women in your country, just allowing them to march anyhow. This is not the way.

Biya: Jammeh, leave the women alone, Cameroon has the best women's rights in Africa.

Mugabe: Biya, that is an Alternative Fact

Jammeh: Donald, I am angry at you, my orange brother.

Biya: What did he do?

Jammeh: Biya, shut up, men are talking.

Biya: Is that an executive order? No wait, you don’t have any more executive power. Jesus is lord.

Trump: Biya, very impressive joke. Extremely strong joke.

Jammeh: Donald, why are you deporting all the Muslims from America?

Trump: Muslims are bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists and some I assume are good people.

Biya: I thought that was the Mexicanos

Trump: Gentlemen, Melania looks like she’s smiling, something must be wrong, I have to go.

Jammeh: Ok Donald, tell Melania she belongs in your kitchen and bedroom.

Biya: Be quoting Buhari there, that is why you don’t have any executive power haha.

Putin: Very good discussion gentlemens, let us meet for vodka drink.

Mugabe: V, you’ve been here the entire time?

Putin: Maybe.

Jammeh: But your name doesn’t show up on the list of the group chat.

Putin: We have best hackers in world.

Mugabe: Very cunning bastard this Putin is.

Putin: Ok, I go work out now on horse.

Snowden: The world must see this exchange.

Chinua Hemingways is a writer based in Houston, Texas. He can be reached at chineduhem@gmail.com.

Interview

This Compilation Shines a Light On East African Underground Music

We talk to a few of the artists featured on the Music For the Eagles compilation from Uganda's Nyege Nyege.

Nyege Nyege, a label in Kampala, Uganda is channelling the confidence brimming over a whole continent. Africa is no longer the future. For dance music, its time is right now.

Music For the Eagles is a compilation released in conjunction with Soundcloud to showcase the best new acts that East Africa has to offer outside the mainstream. A new wave of artists firmly blasting non-conformist energy for you to spasm to. Music that takes you places. Otim Alpha's high BPM wedding frenzy of incessant rasping vocals accompanied by feverous violin will have you clawing the walls to oblivion. Anti Vairas' dancehall from a battleship with super galactic intentions doesn't even break a sweat as it ruins you. FLO's beautiful sirens call, is a skittish and detuned nursery rhyme that hints at a yearning for love but reveals something far more unnerving. Ecko Bazz's tough spiralling vocal over sub-bass and devil trap energy is an anthem that can only be bewailed. And Kidane Fighter's tune is more trance-like prayer. These are only some of the highlights for you to shake it out to.

We got to chat with a few of the artists featured on the Music For the Eagles compilation as they took a break from the studio below.

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