It’s been a minute since we debuted our inaugural, but centuries overdue, list of White American Crime™. Since then, white criminals, as they have for thousands of years, have continued to terrorize people across our planet and the planet itself. This week we will focus on a specific type of crime, one that white men have shown a predisposition to committing, an abhorrent crime that has unfortunately increasedunder the regime of Trump: HATE CRIMES. These vicious crimes, motivated by racial, religious, sexual, and other prejudices, commonly taking the form of islamophobia, anti-semitism, xenophobia, racism, sexism, misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia, have skyrocketed at the hands of white American males.

On a Tuesday night in late February, President Donald Trump, a noted white male, addressed the joint session of Congress, a body that is controlled by other noted white males, many of which are elderly and in failing health (and only kept alive by a sinister method of extracting blood from people of color, infusing it into themselves, and making sure others can not access health care).

In the landmark speech Donald Trump ceremoniously exhibited his newly acquired skill of literacy by reading from a teleprompter, to the utter delight of certain segments of the press who showered the newly-literate white man with praise, a feat that has taken the failedbusinessman over seventy years to accomplish. Trump’s address also made mention of the newly established Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement or VOICE, a new p̶o̶g̶r̶o̶m̶ program that will create a list of of immigrants who have committed crimes. The list first appeared back in late January in Executive Order 13768, which has the factually incorrect title of “Enhancing Public Safety in the Interior of the United States.”

Trump and his associates have shown on multiple occasions that there fanatical contempt for immigrants, people of color, and Muslims are based in exaggerated statistics and outright falsehoods. Trump has time and again incorrectly stated that illegal immigrants are committing crimes at a disproportionate rate. The counterproductive VOICE report acts as propaganda to skew the eyes of the American public away from the real menace of white males murdering eight year old American girls in Yemen. “Throwing stones to hide your hands,” I believe is appropriate to this particular situation.

Making a list of crimes committed by a specific group of people, as many outlets have reported, harkens to particularly violent and hate-filled periods of history, most notably Nazi Germany. The lovely people at Breitbart, taking note from the beautiful, most definitely not racist and white supremacist past that Trump wants so desperately to take America back to, have highlighted crimes specifically committed by people of African descent with the tag “Black Crime.”

What is needed, rather than a list of crimes committed by undocumented immigrants, is a list of crimes committed by white male Americans. An agency, bolstered by heavy funding, to assist those that have been victims of the unforgivingly hostile white male menace is very much needed. Though I am unable at the moment to secure the funding or congressional support for such an agency, I have compiled a list that highlights the dangers of white males when they are allowed to run amok. The following list by no means even begins to cover a fraction of white violence that the world has witnessed. Nonetheless, here are a few white crimes:

1. On February 22nd a white man by the name of Adam W. Purinton entered Austin’s Bar and Grill in Olathe, Kansas - a suburb about 20 miles southwest of Kansas City - and saw two 32-year old Indian men named Srinivas Kuchibhotla and Alok Madasani. Purinton eventually began to harass the men, who worked at the GPS company Garmin, allegedly asking the two if their “status was legal.” Two customers, one named Ian Grillot asked Purinton to leave. He did. Purinton then returned minutes later with a gun yelling “get out of my country.” He opened fire on Kuchibhotla and Madasani and eventually Grillot. Kuchibhotla later died from the gun shot wounds. Purinton, after fleeing to an Applebees to hide out, is reported to have misidentified the men he shot to a bartender as being Iranian.
2. A white Florida man by the name of Richard Leslie Lloydattempted to burn down a convenience store because he wanted to “run the Arabs out of our country.” As white people are notoriously known for seeing everyone that is non-white as the same, Mr Lloyd overlooked the fact that the store owners were actually Indian. Hate crimes against people of South East Asian descent has increased in the past few months, with the perpetrators of the crimes often mistaking the victims for being Middle Eastern.

1. In Salem, Washington, Jason Kendall, a 52-year-old white man, entered Al Aqsa Fine Middle Eastern Cuisine after seeing a woman in the window. For some twisted racist reason Kendall assumed the woman was being held hostage because, as he told police, that’s “what Arabs do.” After entering the restaurant the white man proclaimed that the woman was “free to leave.” Kendall said he then saw a “Saddam Hussein-looking guy,” and told him to “go back to your country, terrorist” and to “get out of America.” Employees were able to get the viciously racist white man out of the restaurant. But, unfortunately, Kendall returned, this time armed with a pipe he later referred to as the “horn of Gabriel” and began beating the employee who he thought looked like Saddam Hussein over the head.
2. This past January a despicable hate fueled act of mass murder occurred. Alexandre Bissonnette opened fire in a mosque in Quebec City killing 6 people and injuring another 19. All six of the those killed in the massacre were African.
3. The fucking criminalization of Black and Brown people’s existence and railroading them en masse into prison!