An open letter to Omarosa on behalf of Nigerians everywhere.
Dear Omarosa, they said you're Nigerian but we don't believe you. Omarosa, I'm sure you've heard the phrase, “Naija no dey carry last," but somehow you managed to carry last on The Apprentice, not once, not twice, but three times. In the Yoruba language, that's what we call an “Olodo." Olodo literally translates to “one who owns zeroes." It is clear that you own Zero wins my sister, you also own all of the Ls as our African American brethren would say.
Dear Omarosa, many of us Africans living in the diaspora don't believe in witchcraft, juju or voodoo, we like to consider ourselves “enlightened." How foolish of us, we must now question everything we learned at Harvard, because, clearly you're acting under evil spirits, you are under demonic oppression, something is wrong and you need deliverance. I know an auntie that slipped through the immigration ban with some strong holy water, please email me so that we can help you.
Dear Omarosa, on your website, you listed that you are an Ambassador and Mentor, who dash you Ambassadorship and to what nation? And you must be mentoring people like Meek Mills given how many zeroes and L's he continues to take. From a particular angle, you guys kind of resemble one another too, but that's another day.
Dear Omarosa, what is this rubbish?
Dear Omarosa, be honest, what did you do to Michael Clarke Duncan? Be honest, this is a safe space.
Dear Omarosa, we need to see your birth certificate and passport, because we know you can't be Nigerian. Which village are you from? Who are your people? Who are your people?!!!
Dear Omarosa, we're tired of you like those 419 email scams, at least those emails gave us hope, they promised us something no matter how implausible, but you, you give us no hope. You're like, Trump, a genital rash that simply won't go away.
Dear Omarosa, stop plagiarizing your nationality, just gerrara here man.
Chinedu Hemingways is a writer based in Houston, Texas. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.