What It’s Like To … Be a Couples Therapist in Egypt

For many Egyptians, adult life starts after the wedding. They’re unlikely to move out of the house, have sex, or any kind of sexual intimacy before then. However, as society is changing and becoming westernized, more and more couples realize that they might have tied the knot too early at best or with the wrong partner at worst. 

Egypt’s divorce rates have been soaring, with 25 out of 100 couples separating, often within the first three years. Alongside the realization that divorce is an increasingly acceptable option, there’s also a steady rise in interest in couples therapy.

Even though Egypt is a conservative society that keeps marital issues private and widely stigmatizes therapy, couples therapists have been unable to satisfy the demand of those who hope to save or improve their relationships.

Eman Onsy is a Cairo-based couples therapist who has been working with Egyptian couples for fifteen years. In segments edited for length and clarity, she tells OkayAfrica about the challenges, societal dynamics, and lessons she encounters in her practice.

Eman Onsy: “My passion for couples therapy started when I was 22. Maybe because of the problems I faced during my relationship with my husband, who was my fiancé back then.

I was observing couples around me and wished their relationships were better. So I read books about couples, and when the American University in Cairo opened a master’s program in Psychology, I joined.

Between 2010 and 2019, I noticed a shift from ‘relationship coaching’ to couples therapy. It was easier for people to say we are going to a relationship coach, instead of a couples therapist, because of the stigma.

There are many barriers. I carried out a study with 430 participants who told me that they don't know good mental health professionals whom they can trust to uphold confidentiality. Or they hold religious beliefs that say they can share their conflict with a third person in their family, like a wise parent. Couples therapy is also very expensive. 

If these barriers can be overcome, many said they’d like to improve their relationships; women more than men. Interestingly, in my experience, lots of husbands drag their wives to couples therapy. Maybe the wife has been trying to negotiate or seek couples therapy for years, and when they didn’t go, she lost interest or asked for a divorce. Then the husband changes his mind and now wants to go. My role is to build rapport with the person who didn’t want to go to therapy. 

Unfortunately, couples usually come in at the terminal stage, instead of getting a divorce. I often wish they came earlier. When they have their first session, I establish two major points: confidentiality and no judgment — political, religious, or social — about them or anyone they choose to discuss. I also have a no-secret policy: don’t tell me anything you want to hide from your partner. 

I ask ‘What’s your goal’ and once we’re aligned, the relationship becomes my client. Not the individuals.

One of the major challenges is when people take my words and use them against their partner. This is a problem in therapy in general. I don't have the right to lead people to a specific decision or direction, and yet some people want to manipulate my words and claim, ‘This is what Eman said.’

I try my best not to tell strangers about my job, because there are many questions about efficiency and which issues I see. When I’m in a social context, I’m trying to get away from the sessions. It’s a draining job that quickly leads to burnout. Meeting more than one couple per day takes so much energy. I hear tough stories, I see tears. I’m a human being, so it touches me. 

Whenever I finish, I take a break and create a buffer between therapy and meeting my family. I listen to music and sit in nature.

Still, teaching a couple to move in a direction of repair is rewarding for me. Happy couples still have conflicts and problems, but the point is: do we stay separated or do we repair in the way we learned in the sessions? 

One of the most important lessons that I learned is that every couple is unique. There are similarities in terms of difficulties and differences, especially in the same socio-economic classes, but this combination between a husband and wife specifically means that they will produce something that would be different if they married another spouse. Each couple has a unique culture. 

Nowadays, people don’t want to get married in their early twenties anymore; they want more experiences. Others can’t find a good match, so they don’t have any encouragement to take that step. A new development is the second marriage. 

In the coming years, I believe that there will be a shift from couples to family therapy. One is the door to the other, because couples are concerned with the well-being of their children, which is related to their own well-being. 

Fifteen years after my own relationship inspired me to become a couples therapist, I still have conflicts with my husband. I use the strategies and tools that I teach my clients, but in my marriage, I’m not a therapist. I’m purely a wife and lady who has issues and hormonal changes and needs attention.”